Myspace blog post Sept 27, 2006

This is something I posted on myspace on September 27, 2006. It has not been modified or changed in any way. I finally escaped my my abuser in November 2006. The day this blog was originally posted, I was angry and tired. I took two classes at school, worked a full time job (making much more than he did), and did everything around the house. I drove an hour and fifteen minutes to work, and an hour and fifteen minutes home. I was forced to sign my paycheck over to him, so he could deposit it and given an allowance of $20 per week, plus a tank of gas. He claimed that he was paying all the bills and just didn't want me to have to worry about it. I found out that he was paying only his bills, not mine (I had a few medical bills that my medical insurance had not paid). I had to account for every bit of time that I was away from home. He would call me several times an hour to check on me, always asking when I would be home. I hated my cellphone and reached a point where I would turn it off, but then I had to explain why my phone was off. I also was expected to bring receipts to show him I wasn't spending my "allowance" foolishly.
So now that you have the background....    
    
Wednesday 27 September, 2006
I shouldn't complain. It is only as I expected. Just one more reason why I get so angry and am looking forward to being divorced.

Last night as I was driving home from taking a test for a class I am enrolled in, I received a call from my daughter's cell phone. She had gone to a school function with some of her friends. The call was from the woman chaperone. It seems my Daughter had been injured at the function. She had fallen onto her knee and was in severe pain, unable to walk or bend her leg. I picked her up and decided to take her to the emergency room to be checked. I am glad I did, as it appears she may have torn some ligaments in her knee.

I didn't mind taking her to the hospital; it is my responsibility to do so. I even tried to get her mind off her pain, by making her laugh a couple times as we waited. The thing that bothered me was when her father called and I asked for her SS # (I had forgotten to write it down). He made a couple of smart remarks about Okay he was awake, I had done it again, sorry he was trying to sleep. He then hung up on me.

I hate being hung up on and excuse me, he called me, I didn't call him. What the hell was the problem? I was sitting in the emergency room at the hospital at midnight . I knew I would be there for at least two more hours, and would still have to get up to go to work the next day. He was complaining because he called and I asked him for something? He was the one with his fanny sleeping, not me. He was the one that would get enough sleep to function the next day, not me. I swallowed my anger, and focused on my daughter, she was what was important right then.

Her Dad called a few minutes later, and was angry still. I told him I didn't have time to deal with his crap and hung up on him, then turned my phone off. It was almost 1:30 am before we were finally finished. She had a brace on her leg and crutches. Hobble along Cassidy I called her. She laughed about it. We drove home, getting into the house at about 2:45 am .

At 3:30 when the alarm went off, I tried to wake up her Dad for work. He muttered he wanted to sleep a little longer. When the alarm went off 10 minutes later, I sat up and said "Try to be considerate once in a while, get up so I can sleep some before I have to get ready for work."

He said I didn't have to be so nasty about it, but he did get up. I reset the alarm for 6:15 am . While he was getting ready for work, he kept waking me up to talk to him, I was glad when he finally left at 4:30 am . The alarm seemed to go off only a few minutes later. I struggled up, asked my daughter if she was going to school, at which time she said no. I then drank enough coffee to wake up, and as I was walking out the door, my daughter informed me she wanted to go to school. I should have stopped and waited for her to get ready, but didn't. I was afraid of being late to work. I take her everyday, we leave at a certain time, and it was much later then that, she wasn't dressed because she had at first thought she would be staying home. I asked my son if he could get one of his friends to take her to school, he said okay, therefore I left for work.

When I was about 10 miles from work, my daughter called me and told me that with her leg in the brace she couldn't get in her brother's friends car. She was trying to find another way to school. It seems she had a test and did not want to miss it. I suggested she stay home, she started crying. I told her I would call her back. I called her Dad at work. I asked him if he could run and take her to school. It would have taken him about 30 minutes. He said he couldn't he was already on the clock. I suggested clocking out early for break, as he would often do it if he wanted to go somewhere or do something during the day. He said to just tell her to stay at home. I called my daughter back, again suggested she stay at home. She said that one of the neighbors said they would run her to school. I said okay.

So I am sitting at work, tired, and annoyed. Her Dad calls me, and apologizes for being so snappy at me last night when he had called me. He also said that he should have taken off except he was in the middle of something. It made me angry and I let loose on him. I told him it was always that way, that he never took any responsibility when it came to the family. He always wanted things his way, but couldn't even help out at all. I was tired of him always being the way he was, then thinking an apology would make things all better. He retorted back he was sorry he had called me, and I told him he should be. He hung up on me.

I am asking too much of him I guess. Take some responsibility, or at least if you don't be a bit considerate at times. Is that really too much to ask?

Last night as we were sitting in the waiting room, my daughter and I talked. She told me she was glad she had one responsible parent. That if she had to depend on her Dad, she would be a mess and miserable. Then she told me I had what they called the Mother Bear syndrome. I asked for an explanation. She said the Mama Bear took care of her cubs, hugging and protecting them when they needed to be hugged and protected, but at the same time, encouraging independence. She said if her Dad had his way he would keep her a prisoner. Then she told me she was glad I had friends that I was going out to be with, but to please not move away until she graduated from high school, so she could at least stay with her friends until then. I reassured her, she didn't have to worry about it.

I love my daughter very much. She is my baby, the child I thought I would never have. I will be grateful to her dad, for he is the one who made it so I could have this beautiful intelligent child. I will stay with him until it is time to leave, for her sake. I think he knows though that I no longer consider us to be married.

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Abusers make their victims beg for money. They give an "allowance", and then demand an accounting of how that allowance was spent.  Abusers check up on their victims and make them give an accounting of their time.

 If you feel you are being abused or know someone who is being abused call the National Domestic Violence hotline. 1-800-799-7233.