When my older son (from a previous marriage) was 13 years old and my younger son was 11 months old, my abuser "allowed" my older son to visit me. We lived in a mobile home on five acres located about 2 miles from a very small community. We had electricity, propane and a phone, we did not have water or sewer. We would haul water and use an outdoor privy. I knew no one and had no friends in the community.
When my abuser first mentioned my older son visiting, I was hesitant. Not because I did not want to see my older son, but because I was unsure of Jeff and his potential for abuse. I suggested that instead of my older son visiting, that I might take my younger son and go visit him at his home. Jeff told me that I wasn't taking his son anywhere and if I left alone to visit that I could not come back AND would never be allowed to see my younger son again.
I still was hesitant and told Jeff I didn't think it was a good idea for my older son to come here. He asked me why. I didn't say why, just repeated it wasn't a good idea. He then promised that he would not drink and would be on his best behavior during the visit. (he brought this up, not me. It shows he was aware that his abuse was not acceptable.) He also promised that not only would he pay round trip airfare, but would also give me $1500 so my older son and I could go and have some fun. I finally relented, though still hesitant. Smiling, Jeff told me that he was glad he was able to make me happy. I called my older son and his Dad to make arrangements for his visit for a week. The next day Jeff and I went to the airport and purchased the round trip ticket.
I looked forward eagerly to my older son's visit. I sent for brochures of different tourist attractions that were close. My older son and I discussed them on the phone and made plans to visit some of them. He even made the suggestion to be sure that we went places that my younger son would enjoy. My older son had not yet met his brother and looked forward to it.
Jeff seemed content and happy. He displayed none of the signs that showed he was going to explode. He also didn't drink. I was happy and would even sing and dance in his presence, something I seldom did as these signs of me being happy seemed to upset him.
The first day of my older son's visit, Jeff started drinking. I was terrified. I asked him for the money he had promised so I could take my older son elsewhere. Jeff laughed at me and told me that he wasn't giving me a dime to waste on that little MF. I reminded him that he had promised not to drink during the visit, and had promised me some money. He grabbed the front of my shirt, jerking me to him and told me to shut my nagging mouth before he slapped the s##t out of me. I shut up. I was terrified of what he might do. My older son was not in the room and I was thankful he had not had to witness this.
After I calmed down, I went to my older son and told him that something had come up and we weren't going to be able to do the things we had planned. I didn't go into any details. He said it was okay, he was just glad to be able to visit with his mom and brother. We made plans to do things outside.
The weather seemed to be with us, as the days were beautiful summer days. Both my sons and I spent much of our time outdoors, with my younger son shadowing his big brother. Jeff stayed inside drinking. Then one day Jeff decided to come out to see what we were doing. He was drunk. He started yelling and cursing at my older son, because he was playing with his little brother. Then my abuser went back inside.
My older son looked at me, then picked up his brother. Suddenly Jeff reappeared, this time holding a gun. He started his verbal assault on my older son. I screamed at him to stop. Jeff looked at me and told me to shut the "F" up. He then turned back toward my older son, laughed and told him that it would take only one shot to get rid of his worthless a$$. My older son was shocked, stood dumfounded, and just continued to hold his brother.
Then Jeff took the gun, aimed in the direction of my children, and fired several shots hitting the ground beside them. I cried out and begged Jeff to put down the gun. Jeff just laughed, returning inside, still carrying the gun.
I told my older son to get in the truck. He hurried to comply, still carrying his brother. I went inside, quietly getting the truck keys. Jeff either did not see or hear me, or chose to ignore me. I hurried to the truck and drove off.
A few miles down the road, I pulled over and started crying. I asked my older son if he was okay and he hugged me and his brother close and told me he was fine. Then he asked if I was okay and I assured him I was. Then I drove to a phone and called the airline to see if I could get him a seat back to his home that day. I wasn't able to.
There were two days remaining in his visit. I didn't know what to do. I had no place to go with him and I asked him what he wanted to do. I told him we could go to a park or campground if he wanted. We spent the day at a park near a river, then went back to where I lived.
I spent the next two days terrified for my older son. I tried to keep him away from Jeff and when it was finally time to take him to the airport I took both my sons and left Jeff alone. I love my son and was so very happy to see him, but when he walked onto the plane, all I felt was a profound sense of relief that he was still safe and able to return to his home.
After much soul searching and pain, I made the decision not to see my beloved older son again while I was still with my abuser. It was several years later, and only after I had left my abuser, that I was once again able to get to know the wonderful man he has become.
My abuser alienated me from my family, destroyed my self-esteem, threatened harm to my children, isolated me, and left me feeling I had no other options but to stay with him and accept his continued abuse.
If you feel you are being abused or know someone who is being abused call the National Domestic Violence hotline. 1-800-799-7233.
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