Sometimes I get so angry

Sometimes I get so angry at Jeff that I wish he would die a slow painful death. I laughed very hard when I found out his truck was repossessed. He would tell me that his truck was more important than I was, that I wasn't allowed to drive it, and one time when I accidentally put a 1/2 inch scratch on it, he threatened to beat me. 
 
I pray very hard for the strength to forgive, for the anger to go away.
 
I wonder sometimes if writing this blog is bringing up more bad memories or helping me to work through them. I know when I write about it, it upsets me at the time, but then I look at it, feel the emotions of it, relive it and the flashbacks about it seem to be less.

 I also talk with my husband about the things my abuser did. That helps a lot. It helps him also to understand why I react certain ways to different things. My husband and I have been friends since 1999. We have been married for 3 years. He knew me when I was with my abuser, although I never told him about the abuse until 2006.

I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of the 20 + years of abuse. It was something that my Dr had considered, but didn't give the diagnose until a few days ago.   

I think I also get angry at myself for not leaving. I can make no excuses. I can hear voices out there saying, heck if it had been you, you would have just left. Perhaps you would have, but you weren't in my situation, you don't know what was going on in my head or my life. I stayed because I felt I had no choice and I was scared.

Then I think about all the years of abuse, get angry at Jeff for what he did.

I asked the Pastor at church if I was wrong to blog it, if it was better to forgive and forget. He said forgive, but the worst thing a Christian can do is to be silent. Jesus spoke out against evil and those that are unrepentant. My abuser denies the abuse and remains unrepentant.   

I pray everyday for strength to keep forgiving him, and to keep telling the world what a devastating effect domestic violence has on a person.  

If you feel you are being abused or know someone who is being abused call the National Domestic Violence hotline. 1-800-799-7233.