At different times during my relationship with my abuser, I was not allowed to work, or even allowed out of the house or into the yard alone. I wouldn't drive when Jeff was with me because sometimes he would hit or slap me while I was driving and I was afraid I might lose control of the vehicle. I was scared of hurting or killing either my children or someone else. I lead a very lonely life at times.
Being more greedy, and lazy, than having a desire to keep me isolated, there were times when Jeff would allow me to work. I almost always had more earning potential than he did. At first, he would take me to and from work, even when it would have made more sense for me to take the car after dropping him off. When it became logistically difficult for him to drive me, He would let me drive, but check the milage. Later when I had a cell phone he would call often to check on me. Sometimes as often as 10 or more times in an hour, unless I was talking to him.
The abuse I was suffering at home sometimes caused problems for me at work. I had many different employers over the course of the years. The most common problem I had was when Jeff would call several times during my work shift. Two of my employers finally told him not to call, but when he continued his harassment, I would be let go. This would make him angry and cause him to blame me for being a failure.
I often went to work with bruises. When co-workers would mention them, I always had an excuse or story to explain the bruises away. I was clumsy, things fell off shelves, doors shut in the dark. I would never say that the bruise was because I was being hit. I was afraid to say anything. Terrified that Jeff would find out and beat me, kill me, or disappear with my children. If a co-worker cared enough to try to help, I would tell them to mind their own business, and sometimes even quit. Fear sometimes makes a person do irrational things.
After 15 years of leaving bruises, Jeff finally stopped hitting me in a way that left marks. His abuse was more subtle, and somehow more devastating. He would threaten to hit me, often swinging his fist at me (causing me to duck or cringe to avoid it) pull hair, pinch or hit my breasts, push me into the wall, lock me in a closet for hours without allowing me anything to drink, eat, or access to a bathroom, (I finally started hiding adult incontinence pads in the closet), or other things that kept me in fear and submission.
The last job I held, before finally escaping my abuser, was a high profile high stress job. I made every attempt to handle my job well, while continuing to hide the things happening to me at home. Two of my co-workers left for other jobs and instead of replacing them, the workload was transferred to me. When I wasn't able to preform alone as well as three people, I was reprimanded. One day my boss (a woman) came into the office where I was working, shut the door, leaned against it, then said something. I started panicking and asked her to open the door. She refused. She tried to explain why she was there, but all I could see is that I was trapped. I again asked her to open the door or at least move away from it, again she refused, telling me I was being silly. At that time, I sat in my chair at my desk, put my head down, covered it with my arms and started begging....please please open the door, let me out, please. My boss came up behind me and touched my shoulder, started to say something, but at her touch, I jumped up, ran to the door, opened it and headed outside.
I sat outside on some stairs until I calmed down. My boss stood in the door, asking if I was okay. I told her I would come inside in a few minutes. When I was able, I went back in, apologized to my boss, told her I had claustrophobia. She then apologized for not opening the door. After that when she needed to talk privately with me, she wouldn't close the door completely and would stand or sit on the other side of me, allowing me access to the door if I needed it. On very nice days, she would ask if I wanted to go outside to talk. This woman could be very cruel and demanding at times, but I am grateful that in this she was understanding.
At this job, Jeff would call several times a day, but I had asked my secretary to put his calls through only to my voicemail. I would also turn off my cell phone so his calls went also to voicemail. It felt good to have the peace and ability to ignore him.
My reaction to something as simple as being in a room with the door closed is a direct reaction to the abuse I was suffering. I still find it very uncomfortable to be in a closed room, and I am scared of being alone in the dark.
If you feel you are being abused or know someone who is being abused call the National Domestic Violence hotline. 1-800-799-7233.
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