Brain Damage

Over the weekend I tried to put together a sort of timeline of my life (1985-2006) with my abuser. I realized that it was difficult to set an exact date for some of the abuse.. I could get a general time, such as a month and year, but no actual date. I remember things, but not when, even to the year, but can picture where it happened. The clarity is outstanding, even to remembering smells, sounds, my emotional reaction, weather, and colors. It helps to establish a general idea within a year range time frame, but still not within a specific day or month. 

Although I have mentioned that my Dr has diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (Also known as PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome PTSS), the sub category I have is battered women's syndrome (BWS). A major impact of BWS is to the cognitive and memory areas. Here, the victim begins to have intrusive memories of the abuse (flashbacks) or may actually develop psychogenic amnesia (extreme memory loss that is caused by extensive psychological stress) and not always remember important details or events. The victim may have trouble following her thoughts in a logical way, being distracted by intrusive memories that may be flashbacks to previous battering incidents. The victim may disassociate herself when faced with painful events, memories, reoccurring nightmares or other associations not readily apparent to the observer. This is the psychological aspects of domestic violence.

My Dr is sending me to a Neurologist to check for possible brain damage. A brain scan was done to rule out the possibility of a stroke, a brain tumor, or other brain disease. Although a brain scan showed nothing amiss, the other symptoms I have indicate possible brain damage that may not show up on a brain scan, but which can be determined through tests given by a Neurologist.     

Every time I got thrown against the wall, onto the ground, slapped, hit in the head, hair pulled, or any of the many other things that were done to me physically, my brain would get sloshed forcefully against the inside of my skull resulting in the death of brain cells. The effects of it are cumulative, which means every time Jeff hit me, more brain cells died, resulting in a gradual loss of cognitive function. Meaning, his abuse has probably caused irreversible brain damage. Which explains why I have difficulty counting, making change, remembering dates, and trouble telling time, among other things, when formerly I was able to understand advanced statistics and financial mathematics. That is the physical aspect of domestic violence.

I read a recent civil case where a victim sued her abuser, and won. It brought it all into the open. After reading about the case and some of the transcripts, it makes me wonder if suing Jeff might help me bring closure to some of the flashbacks and anger I feel. That would be the only result, as he has never had, doesn't have now, and most likely never will have anything. But then I think, if I do, perhaps it will bring media attention and make others aware of the long term devastating effects of domestic violence. 

If you feel you are being abused or know someone who is being abused call the National Domestic Violence hotline. 1-800-799-7233.