Abuse

Abuse

Caution this posting contains adult material and information, which some people may find offensive. It covers aspects of sexual abuse. 

The relationship I had with my batterer was filled with violence, hatred, cruelty. It included physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Jeff considered me as his property, and as such, I would have to meet his needs, including sexual. If I refused or hesitated, then he would resort to violence to insure my cooperation. Rape is a crime that involves forced sexual activity, usually including sexual penetration, against the will of the victim. Another form of sexual abuse is coercion or forcing the victim to preform degrading or humiliating sex acts.

As I tell this, please bear with me, while I give some background information.

In early 1996, I was working and still attending college. I also was doing anything that was done around the house. Jeff had stayed home during the summer of 95, because both our children had come down with chicken pox. Not at the same time, but one after the other. He had not as yet found a job. I suspect he wasn't looking. I had purchased a computer so I could do homework at night and weekends. We had a phone line and Internet service for the same reason. Jeff spent a fair portion of his time drinking and downloading pornography from the Internet. He discovered things like bondage, S&M, Urolagnia (urine play), rape and kidnapping, and wife-swapping. All of which excited him.

In February, I was starting into peri-menopause. It was a very difficult time for me, as I would have very heavy menses lasting 6 to 8 weeks at a time. This resulted in me having problems with anemia. I passed out from it one time at work and ended up in the emergency room. My options were to stay in the hospital or go home and stay in bed. I chose to go home, because of my children. That evening, Jeff came into the bedroom and told me he was going out to shoot some pool at a local bar. I begged him to stay home. I didn't feel comfortable staying at home alone as sick as I was. He told me I was just a hypochondriac and faking. He told me that I wasn't meeting his needs because of the problem I was having. My comments about having been to the ER fell on deaf ears. He left.

A few minutes after Jeff left, I got out of bed to check on the children. They were playing quietly in the living room in front of the TV. I laid down on the couch and told the children to play quiet and let me know if they needed anything. I left their grandmothers phone number by the phone in case of an emergency and dozed lightly. Both my children behaved very well, with my son offering me water when he noticed I was awake. At bedtime, my daughter curled up on the couch with me, while my son went to his room. My daughter and I slept on the couch that night. 

The next morning when I woke up, I went to my bedroom, Jeff was not home. It was a Saturday, about 8 am. My children were awake, so I fixed breakfast, did the dishes and went and laid back down on the couch. I did wonder where Jeff was, but admit that I was glad he was not home. I was not sure if I could handle him drunk. I slept, the children played quietly. I had asked them to bring some of their toys into the front room, so I could watch them. My son was about 9, my daughter was 4. I was very weak and sick.

At about noon, I got up and fixed lunch. Jeff still was not home. While the children were eating, I called his mother to ask if she had heard from him. She had not. She did however offer to see if she could locate him. I thanked her, hung up and went back to the couch. About 2 pm, she called me to tell me Jeff was in jail. My first thought was that he had been arrested for a DUI (it would have been his fourth in two years). I was wrong. He had been arrested for attempted burglary. Jeff's mother told me she was going to get him bailed out, but that the Detective wanted to talk with me. She gave me his number, and I called him.

The Detective was very nice when I called. He explained what the charges were against Jeff. It seems Jeff left the bar at closing time. He then went to another trailer in the park, one belonging to an elderly single woman. He was trying to open the rear door, when the noise woke up the woman. She called 911, and stayed on the phone with them until the police arrived. She then asked who was out there (Jeff was still outside). He yelled for her to open the door. She refused. He began banging on it, trying to force it open. He told her that he was tired of bi.ches holding out on him and it was time for her to learn her place. It woke up her neighbors, who came out. One older man told Jeff to back off, which only made him angrier. The older man wisely did not try to physically stop Jeff (I feel certain that Jeff would have not hesitated to hurt the man). The man went back into his trailer and came out with a shotgun, just as the police arrived. During this time, Jeff continued to attempt to get into the trailer. It took 5 officers to subdue him. 

After the Detective finished telling me about it, he asked me what I thought. I asked the Detective what Jeff had said and was told that he said he thought it was his trailer, and I wouldn't let him in. I said that I thought it was doubtful that Jeff even remembered it. He then asked me what Jeff would have done if he had actually gotten into the trailer. I told him I didn't know. I felt sick inside, because I knew when Jeff got very drunk and tended to violence, it excited him, plus he had been downloading so much rape pornography lately, it scared me. I wonder still what he would have done if he had been able to break in. Note here: two days later the woman moved out of her home and in with her adult children.

Jeff's mother bailed him out. When his court date came, he was offered a plea bargain, which he accepted. He was put on probation, fined and ordered to do community service. He did his community service on Saturdays. He wanted me to pay his fine, I refused. No matter what he said or did, I continued to refuse. I told him to get off his butt, get a job and pay it himself. Finally he did get a job, working nights as a bouncer at a strip club. I disapproved, but felt at least he would stop trying to get me to pay his fine.

I kept working, going to school, taking care of my family, and felt weak most of the time. One night, Jeff came home from work excited. I was too tired to 
care. I didn't refuse him, just chose to not react. All I wanted was to go to sleep. The next afternoon, when Jeff got up, he said something about how I was worn out and not satisfying his needs. I apologized (but really didn't care if I was or not). He told me that he was going to join a swingers group (wife-swapping) and find someone else. I told him fine, go ahead. Then he said that as a single man, he couldn't and I had to join with him. I refused. He exploded in anger. As weak as I was, I thought he was going to beat me to death. I admit that at the time, I didn't care. My thoughts were that if he killed me, it would finally be over. 

I still refused. I wasn't interested in sex with him or anyone else. He beat me again. He beat me almost everyday for a week. One morning I went to work early, to get away. One of my workers (I was a manager), asked me if I was okay. I told her that I was just tired. She said it looked like I had been beat up. I denied it, again stating I was just tired. That evening, after Jeff left for work, I gathered up some clothes and toys, took my children and went to my car. I couldn't start the car. I found out later that he would disable my car when he left for work. I went back into the trailer. 

The next day, my son mentioned to Jeff something about we had tried to go on a little trip but that my car was broke. I know my son didn't think anything of what he had told his father, but for me, it was not good. Jeff dragged me by my hair to the bedroom, beat and slapped me, then forced himself on me. I was then told I was going to join the swingers club with him, or else. I finally agreed.

The first time we were to meet another couple, my menses started. So we met the people, but nothing happened. Of course it was my fault. I started my menses on purpose. It lasted 7 weeks. When it finally stopped, Jeff called the couple we had met and set it up for us to come over. As soon as we got there, he disappeared into one of their bedrooms with the woman. I started crying. The man was very nice about it. Jeff heard me crying and came out, told me to stop my whining and come with him to the other bedroom. I went with him, begged him to leave with me. He refused, then told me to do what needed to be done. He then left to go back in with the woman. The man came in and sat on the bed, we talked most of the night, nothing else.

The next morning, Jeff informed me that the woman was the best piece he had ever had. He also told me that I was frigid. He then told me that we were going to a party the following weekend at this couple's house. At that party I also did not participate, but he did. Jeff didn't care if I participated, I was just a ticket for him to get in the parties. I met another woman at that party. She didn't participate either. She did invite Jeff and I to visit with her and her husband at their home. 

When we did go to their house, Jeff decided to start drinking. The couple also drank. I had two drinks. I talked with the couple. Jeff did not join in the conversation. The couple suggested that we all go to the bedroom, and three of us did. Jeff said he would be in shortly. We three continued our conversation in the bedroom waiting for Jeff. When Jeff did not come in, I went out to see if he was ok.  I could see he was angry. He claimed we had just walked away and not said anything. He said he was leaving, and walked out the door. I shouted a good-bye and I would call them, then followed Jeff. 

Jeff was in the car and as I was getting in, he started to move the car. I hurried and shut the door. (yes he had started driving off with me only half in the car). I asked him loudly what the the hell his problem was. He backhanded me. He was very drunk, it was storming, and the car started to fishtail. He managed to get the car under control. Then told me to shut up. I did. He drove very fast. It still was storming, we were on a country road, it was very dark, except when there was lightening. Jeff started yelling about how I was a slut, and he was sick of me. I was like..what? He told me that this swinging crap was all my idea and it was over. I started crying. He was insanely jealous. He suddenly slammed on the brakes, almost sliding into a ditch on the side of the road. He hit me full in the face with his fist, then unbuckled my seatbelt, opened my door and pushed me out if the car into the ditch. I slid down until I was waist deep in water. He drove off, with my door still open.

I climbed out of the ditch, looked in the direction Jeff had driven. I was wearing a dress that covered me from my chest to knees, nothing else. My shoes were in the car. I was soaking wet, covered in mud, and it was storming. I started walking, thinking. I made a decision that night that as soon as I could I would leave. I started making my plans as I walked through the storm. 

A sheriff's deputy drove up beside me. He asked if I was okay. I told him I was fine, just wanted to be alone to think. He asked if I needed a ride anywhere. I declined. At that point, I wanted to keep walking, wanted to be alone and have my thoughts. He drove off. He did drive by a couple more times, and I waved each time. I don't know how long I walked, before Jeff drove up and stopped. He apologized and asked me to get in the car. I refused, he begged me. I finally did.

The next day, I was still determined to leave when I could. It took me four months to put my plan into action, and I almost made it. He found out. I was going to go to California to be with my family. I had not spoken to any of them for years, but felt since it was 1800 miles away, I would be safe. I did go to California with my children, he followed me. 

I will say that after that, Jeff started losing interest in me sexually. He preferred pornography. When he would be in the mood, it would be rough and pleasurable for him. I was always glad when it was over.

Jeff, like many abusers, used sex as a weapon. Instead of being a way to show love, it was a way to show dominance.

If you feel you are being abused or know someone who is being abused call the National Domestic Violence hotline. 1-800-799-7233.