People keep asking why I stayed with my abuser. There were a lot of reasons. I think the main reason was fear. I was afraid that I would lose my children. If he was able to get custody, then I wouldn't be able to protect them (in the end I wasn't anyway). If he didn't get custody, then when they visited with him, I wouldn't be able to protect them. I was also afraid that if I left, he would make good on his threats to kill me. He also told me so often no one would ever want me, and that I was lucky that he was willing to accept me, in spite of my being stupid, a failure, worthless, etc. that I believed him and was afraid to be alone forever. I can go on about the why's, but I did stay. People who were not in my situation can never understand it, heck I don't understand it. My fear and his abuse lead to me having an intense fear of failure. Because I was so afraid of failing, a lot of times I didn't try. Then I hated myself for not trying. A perpetual cycle of self-loathing.
Although I can't remember a lot of the terrible things, or how often, that my abuser told me both as part of a fight, or even when it was said in what was supposed to be a loving way. Those things have been stored in my brain, in my memory. The emotions I felt, the fear, the emotional pain, even connected to the physical pain. It is all there. Sometimes those emotions and feelings will be triggered by an unrelated event. I have no control over them. My reaction to them is generally overwhelming. It can be a fight or flight reaction. Most of mine are a flight reaction. I withdraw. If I can't physically withdraw, I get very upset, anxious, crying. I may tremble, shake, or scratch myself as if I have an itch, until I bring blood. When I realize that I am that upset, I will pick up something, a book, some crocheting, even a stuffed toy, anything to fill my hands so they aren't free.
I feel sometimes as if I have been murdered. All the things I could have been, might have done, the person I was meant to be, murdered. There are times when I feel like I am only a half a person, a stick figure, a shadow of what I was meant to be.
I grieve over it. It is hard for me to understand how one person can set out to deliberately destroy another person in such a way.
I get angry, but then that anger scares me, so I suppress it.
I hate myself for not being able to be angry, and then I cry.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Response to a comment
This was posted as a comment to my last blog "This too shall pass" I am copying it and my response, so it doesn't get lost. I feel the comment and questions are valid and deserve a response.
Begin comment:
I have read all of your blogs, and I have a couple questions if you don't mind me asking.
How old are your children?
What makes you think the "abuse" has affected their lives?
If my mom was in your predicament while my two sisters and I were in the household she would have killed an s.o.b. If it was that bad why didn't you?
What forced you to live with him?
When he followed you to California, why didn't you get to your parents house with your kids and then have him arrested?
What is the real point in this blog? You call your kids out a lot. Remember Hun, you raised them.
End of comment
Begin my response:
Thanks for reading my blog. First you are correct, I raised my children, however due to the situation, I had little influence over them. Their father made sure I had minimal control or influence over them. Most things I did make decisions about, he over ruled. Which additionally undermined my ability and authority as a parent.
Why do I "out" my children...when they contact me with threats and other things, it affects me, therefore I talk about it. Current abuse will be discussed first. I refuse to be threatened, bullied, or accept any type of abuse from my children or anyone else.
My children from my abuser are now ages 24 and 19. As to how it affected my children..my son has already been arrested for domestic violence, for grabbing and pushing his pregnant girlfriend. My daughter has other issues that I prefer not to put out on a public forum. Both my son and daughter have "typical" behaviors associated with having been raised in a violent household.
Note here while the majority of victims of abuse are women, men can also be abused, therefore any information includes victims of both genders.
As for why women stay (and why I stayed), there are many different reasons. Most women stay because of the children, and that was my primary reason, although there were other reasons.
Have you done any research at all on domestic violence? What about in-depth research on Battered Women's Syndrome? If not, here are several places to start:
http://www.dvrc-or.org/domestic/violence/resources/C61/
http://www.mamashealth.com/abuse/bwomensyndrome.asp
http://www.oregoncounseling.org/Handouts/DomesticViolenceWomen.htm
http://www.peoples-health.com/battered_womens_syndrome.htm
That will give you a lot of answers as to why women stay. Besides staying for the children, fear is a major factor. Did you know that:
The most dangerous time for a woman involved in a violent relationship is when she tries to leave?
Battered women increase their risk for murder when they try to escape. (New York City Department of Health)
Thirty-four percent of the women homicide victims over age 15 are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands or boyfriends. (National Women Abuse Prevention Project)
By the mid 1990's, at least fifteen hundred women each year were murder victimes from domestic violence.
Perhaps your mother would have reacted differently, and for that I applaud her. Perhaps it will prevent you from becoming a victim. For your sake, I hope you never have to face that type of situation or choice.
California, my parents were both dead, so I was not going to a family home. I wasn't even sure that any of my siblings would be willing to see me. As for having him arrested. I have not posted about the things that happened in California, therefore how can you assume that I didn't? I will not say now what happened, it is a post for another time. He has been arrested for domestic violence, convicted, etc. I have book of documentation of things that happened.
As for the real point of the blog, it is as I stated in the beginning, it is to help me to get over the things that happened to me. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am not sure how much you know about it, however one of the therapies is to explore the event(s) and try to stop the memories. Is it helping? I don't know, sometimes I have to stop posting, because it is so painful to remember. My night terrors, depression, flashbacks, anxiety attacks, memory loss, etc. still continues.
I don't know if you will read my response to your comment. I hope you will, and if you have any additional questions or comments, please post or email them to me.
Begin comment:
I have read all of your blogs, and I have a couple questions if you don't mind me asking.
How old are your children?
What makes you think the "abuse" has affected their lives?
If my mom was in your predicament while my two sisters and I were in the household she would have killed an s.o.b. If it was that bad why didn't you?
What forced you to live with him?
When he followed you to California, why didn't you get to your parents house with your kids and then have him arrested?
What is the real point in this blog? You call your kids out a lot. Remember Hun, you raised them.
End of comment
Begin my response:
Thanks for reading my blog. First you are correct, I raised my children, however due to the situation, I had little influence over them. Their father made sure I had minimal control or influence over them. Most things I did make decisions about, he over ruled. Which additionally undermined my ability and authority as a parent.
Why do I "out" my children...when they contact me with threats and other things, it affects me, therefore I talk about it. Current abuse will be discussed first. I refuse to be threatened, bullied, or accept any type of abuse from my children or anyone else.
My children from my abuser are now ages 24 and 19. As to how it affected my children..my son has already been arrested for domestic violence, for grabbing and pushing his pregnant girlfriend. My daughter has other issues that I prefer not to put out on a public forum. Both my son and daughter have "typical" behaviors associated with having been raised in a violent household.
Note here while the majority of victims of abuse are women, men can also be abused, therefore any information includes victims of both genders.
As for why women stay (and why I stayed), there are many different reasons. Most women stay because of the children, and that was my primary reason, although there were other reasons.
Have you done any research at all on domestic violence? What about in-depth research on Battered Women's Syndrome? If not, here are several places to start:
http://www.dvrc-or.org/domestic/violence/resources/C61/
http://www.mamashealth.com/abuse/bwomensyndrome.asp
http://www.oregoncounseling.org/Handouts/DomesticViolenceWomen.htm
http://www.peoples-health.com/battered_womens_syndrome.htm
That will give you a lot of answers as to why women stay. Besides staying for the children, fear is a major factor. Did you know that:
The most dangerous time for a woman involved in a violent relationship is when she tries to leave?
Battered women increase their risk for murder when they try to escape. (New York City Department of Health)
Thirty-four percent of the women homicide victims over age 15 are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands or boyfriends. (National Women Abuse Prevention Project)
By the mid 1990's, at least fifteen hundred women each year were murder victimes from domestic violence.
Perhaps your mother would have reacted differently, and for that I applaud her. Perhaps it will prevent you from becoming a victim. For your sake, I hope you never have to face that type of situation or choice.
California, my parents were both dead, so I was not going to a family home. I wasn't even sure that any of my siblings would be willing to see me. As for having him arrested. I have not posted about the things that happened in California, therefore how can you assume that I didn't? I will not say now what happened, it is a post for another time. He has been arrested for domestic violence, convicted, etc. I have book of documentation of things that happened.
As for the real point of the blog, it is as I stated in the beginning, it is to help me to get over the things that happened to me. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am not sure how much you know about it, however one of the therapies is to explore the event(s) and try to stop the memories. Is it helping? I don't know, sometimes I have to stop posting, because it is so painful to remember. My night terrors, depression, flashbacks, anxiety attacks, memory loss, etc. still continues.
I don't know if you will read my response to your comment. I hope you will, and if you have any additional questions or comments, please post or email them to me.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
This too will pass
I have been depressed all day. I am not sure why. I woke up in the middle of the night with my pillow wet and my face feeling like I had been crying.
Gary said earlier I had come out into the den where he was. He said I was crying hard and just hugged him and kept crying very hard. He asked me what was wrong, but all I did was cry harder. When he asked me what was wrong all I did was shake my head and cry harder. He said he then took me back to bed.
I don't remember crying, or going into the den. I don't know why I was crying or why I am so depressed today. Gary says he didn't think at the time I was awake, even though I told him I was.
I am seeing a nueropsychologist about the PTSD and trying to learn to live with it. When I was on the truck, I didn't seem to have as many problems with it, but it has been determined that I was in a very small area, with a fairly structured environment. That I felt safe because I was seldom in the same place for very long. Whereas now I am in a stationary place. I know I am safe here, because even if Jeff came near the house, he wouldn't be able to harm me. That is the rational thought, the emotional thought is something very different.
I keep telling myself that this too shall pass.
Domestic violence has such long lasting effects. I hope those who are in that type of relationship are able to escape.
If you feel you are being abused or know someone who is being abused call the National Domestic Violence hotline. 1-800-799-7233.
Gary said earlier I had come out into the den where he was. He said I was crying hard and just hugged him and kept crying very hard. He asked me what was wrong, but all I did was cry harder. When he asked me what was wrong all I did was shake my head and cry harder. He said he then took me back to bed.
I don't remember crying, or going into the den. I don't know why I was crying or why I am so depressed today. Gary says he didn't think at the time I was awake, even though I told him I was.
I am seeing a nueropsychologist about the PTSD and trying to learn to live with it. When I was on the truck, I didn't seem to have as many problems with it, but it has been determined that I was in a very small area, with a fairly structured environment. That I felt safe because I was seldom in the same place for very long. Whereas now I am in a stationary place. I know I am safe here, because even if Jeff came near the house, he wouldn't be able to harm me. That is the rational thought, the emotional thought is something very different.
I keep telling myself that this too shall pass.
Domestic violence has such long lasting effects. I hope those who are in that type of relationship are able to escape.
If you feel you are being abused or know someone who is being abused call the National Domestic Violence hotline. 1-800-799-7233.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Taking a few days off from posting
I am going to take a few days off from posting on my blog. I might send information about domestic violence and it's affects, but it will be a few days before I post more about my abuser.
Although it helps me to write about these things, it also makes me very sad.
Although it helps me to write about these things, it also makes me very sad.
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