Saturday, July 22, 2017
Sad as it is, sometimes people who have been through abuse, end up with abusers again. The man that I left my abuser for, ended up being a worse abuser than the man this blog was written about. I have given up on finding another man. I am happy now, livecwith my daughter and am helping her with her two beautiful boys. I am content.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Writing again
While recovering from abuse, it is two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back though. After 20+ years of abuse, and 5 years out of it. I still have issues and problems. Most I have managed to overcome, but occasionally it's those backward steps that come up, slap you in the face, and make me wonder what might have triggered it. After two months of good nights with no nightmares, last night I had one of those screaming, hard to wake from and shaking for hours after. My husband had to wake me, then held me, until I calmed down. I can't think of anything that might have caused it either. I am okay this morning, just trying to keep myself busy, because I have a lot of nervous energy.
I am going to tell my nightmare, so if it will bother anyone, please stop reading. I find for me writing about the nightmares helps me.
In my nightmare I had gone to somewhere to do some work (dark area, no streetlights, bad neighborhood). My abuser and my youngest son (age 25), showed up and trapped me in a room. My abuser had some kind of scar on his face and he kept yelling at me that I had caused it, and that I needed to pay for damaging him. I tried to leave the room, but my son stood by the door and would push me every time I tried to get out the door. I ran to a window and screamed to a woman that was digging through a dumpster outside to call the police. She told me to watch her son while she found a phone. I yelled, take your son, run away, call the police. She said something in another language and left. My abuser then grabbed me, threw me against the wall and started hitting me, while my son held me. When my husband woke me up, I was screaming "Run away, Run away"
I am going to tell my nightmare, so if it will bother anyone, please stop reading. I find for me writing about the nightmares helps me.
In my nightmare I had gone to somewhere to do some work (dark area, no streetlights, bad neighborhood). My abuser and my youngest son (age 25), showed up and trapped me in a room. My abuser had some kind of scar on his face and he kept yelling at me that I had caused it, and that I needed to pay for damaging him. I tried to leave the room, but my son stood by the door and would push me every time I tried to get out the door. I ran to a window and screamed to a woman that was digging through a dumpster outside to call the police. She told me to watch her son while she found a phone. I yelled, take your son, run away, call the police. She said something in another language and left. My abuser then grabbed me, threw me against the wall and started hitting me, while my son held me. When my husband woke me up, I was screaming "Run away, Run away"
Monday, February 21, 2011
Then I cry
People keep asking why I stayed with my abuser. There were a lot of reasons. I think the main reason was fear. I was afraid that I would lose my children. If he was able to get custody, then I wouldn't be able to protect them (in the end I wasn't anyway). If he didn't get custody, then when they visited with him, I wouldn't be able to protect them. I was also afraid that if I left, he would make good on his threats to kill me. He also told me so often no one would ever want me, and that I was lucky that he was willing to accept me, in spite of my being stupid, a failure, worthless, etc. that I believed him and was afraid to be alone forever. I can go on about the why's, but I did stay. People who were not in my situation can never understand it, heck I don't understand it. My fear and his abuse lead to me having an intense fear of failure. Because I was so afraid of failing, a lot of times I didn't try. Then I hated myself for not trying. A perpetual cycle of self-loathing.
Although I can't remember a lot of the terrible things, or how often, that my abuser told me both as part of a fight, or even when it was said in what was supposed to be a loving way. Those things have been stored in my brain, in my memory. The emotions I felt, the fear, the emotional pain, even connected to the physical pain. It is all there. Sometimes those emotions and feelings will be triggered by an unrelated event. I have no control over them. My reaction to them is generally overwhelming. It can be a fight or flight reaction. Most of mine are a flight reaction. I withdraw. If I can't physically withdraw, I get very upset, anxious, crying. I may tremble, shake, or scratch myself as if I have an itch, until I bring blood. When I realize that I am that upset, I will pick up something, a book, some crocheting, even a stuffed toy, anything to fill my hands so they aren't free.
I feel sometimes as if I have been murdered. All the things I could have been, might have done, the person I was meant to be, murdered. There are times when I feel like I am only a half a person, a stick figure, a shadow of what I was meant to be.
I grieve over it. It is hard for me to understand how one person can set out to deliberately destroy another person in such a way.
I get angry, but then that anger scares me, so I suppress it.
I hate myself for not being able to be angry, and then I cry.
Although I can't remember a lot of the terrible things, or how often, that my abuser told me both as part of a fight, or even when it was said in what was supposed to be a loving way. Those things have been stored in my brain, in my memory. The emotions I felt, the fear, the emotional pain, even connected to the physical pain. It is all there. Sometimes those emotions and feelings will be triggered by an unrelated event. I have no control over them. My reaction to them is generally overwhelming. It can be a fight or flight reaction. Most of mine are a flight reaction. I withdraw. If I can't physically withdraw, I get very upset, anxious, crying. I may tremble, shake, or scratch myself as if I have an itch, until I bring blood. When I realize that I am that upset, I will pick up something, a book, some crocheting, even a stuffed toy, anything to fill my hands so they aren't free.
I feel sometimes as if I have been murdered. All the things I could have been, might have done, the person I was meant to be, murdered. There are times when I feel like I am only a half a person, a stick figure, a shadow of what I was meant to be.
I grieve over it. It is hard for me to understand how one person can set out to deliberately destroy another person in such a way.
I get angry, but then that anger scares me, so I suppress it.
I hate myself for not being able to be angry, and then I cry.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Response to a comment
This was posted as a comment to my last blog "This too shall pass" I am copying it and my response, so it doesn't get lost. I feel the comment and questions are valid and deserve a response.
Begin comment:
I have read all of your blogs, and I have a couple questions if you don't mind me asking.
How old are your children?
What makes you think the "abuse" has affected their lives?
If my mom was in your predicament while my two sisters and I were in the household she would have killed an s.o.b. If it was that bad why didn't you?
What forced you to live with him?
When he followed you to California, why didn't you get to your parents house with your kids and then have him arrested?
What is the real point in this blog? You call your kids out a lot. Remember Hun, you raised them.
End of comment
Begin my response:
Thanks for reading my blog. First you are correct, I raised my children, however due to the situation, I had little influence over them. Their father made sure I had minimal control or influence over them. Most things I did make decisions about, he over ruled. Which additionally undermined my ability and authority as a parent.
Why do I "out" my children...when they contact me with threats and other things, it affects me, therefore I talk about it. Current abuse will be discussed first. I refuse to be threatened, bullied, or accept any type of abuse from my children or anyone else.
My children from my abuser are now ages 24 and 19. As to how it affected my children..my son has already been arrested for domestic violence, for grabbing and pushing his pregnant girlfriend. My daughter has other issues that I prefer not to put out on a public forum. Both my son and daughter have "typical" behaviors associated with having been raised in a violent household.
Note here while the majority of victims of abuse are women, men can also be abused, therefore any information includes victims of both genders.
As for why women stay (and why I stayed), there are many different reasons. Most women stay because of the children, and that was my primary reason, although there were other reasons.
Have you done any research at all on domestic violence? What about in-depth research on Battered Women's Syndrome? If not, here are several places to start:
http://www.dvrc-or.org/domestic/violence/resources/C61/
http://www.mamashealth.com/abuse/bwomensyndrome.asp
http://www.oregoncounseling.org/Handouts/DomesticViolenceWomen.htm
http://www.peoples-health.com/battered_womens_syndrome.htm
That will give you a lot of answers as to why women stay. Besides staying for the children, fear is a major factor. Did you know that:
The most dangerous time for a woman involved in a violent relationship is when she tries to leave?
Battered women increase their risk for murder when they try to escape. (New York City Department of Health)
Thirty-four percent of the women homicide victims over age 15 are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands or boyfriends. (National Women Abuse Prevention Project)
By the mid 1990's, at least fifteen hundred women each year were murder victimes from domestic violence.
Perhaps your mother would have reacted differently, and for that I applaud her. Perhaps it will prevent you from becoming a victim. For your sake, I hope you never have to face that type of situation or choice.
California, my parents were both dead, so I was not going to a family home. I wasn't even sure that any of my siblings would be willing to see me. As for having him arrested. I have not posted about the things that happened in California, therefore how can you assume that I didn't? I will not say now what happened, it is a post for another time. He has been arrested for domestic violence, convicted, etc. I have book of documentation of things that happened.
As for the real point of the blog, it is as I stated in the beginning, it is to help me to get over the things that happened to me. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am not sure how much you know about it, however one of the therapies is to explore the event(s) and try to stop the memories. Is it helping? I don't know, sometimes I have to stop posting, because it is so painful to remember. My night terrors, depression, flashbacks, anxiety attacks, memory loss, etc. still continues.
I don't know if you will read my response to your comment. I hope you will, and if you have any additional questions or comments, please post or email them to me.
Begin comment:
I have read all of your blogs, and I have a couple questions if you don't mind me asking.
How old are your children?
What makes you think the "abuse" has affected their lives?
If my mom was in your predicament while my two sisters and I were in the household she would have killed an s.o.b. If it was that bad why didn't you?
What forced you to live with him?
When he followed you to California, why didn't you get to your parents house with your kids and then have him arrested?
What is the real point in this blog? You call your kids out a lot. Remember Hun, you raised them.
End of comment
Begin my response:
Thanks for reading my blog. First you are correct, I raised my children, however due to the situation, I had little influence over them. Their father made sure I had minimal control or influence over them. Most things I did make decisions about, he over ruled. Which additionally undermined my ability and authority as a parent.
Why do I "out" my children...when they contact me with threats and other things, it affects me, therefore I talk about it. Current abuse will be discussed first. I refuse to be threatened, bullied, or accept any type of abuse from my children or anyone else.
My children from my abuser are now ages 24 and 19. As to how it affected my children..my son has already been arrested for domestic violence, for grabbing and pushing his pregnant girlfriend. My daughter has other issues that I prefer not to put out on a public forum. Both my son and daughter have "typical" behaviors associated with having been raised in a violent household.
Note here while the majority of victims of abuse are women, men can also be abused, therefore any information includes victims of both genders.
As for why women stay (and why I stayed), there are many different reasons. Most women stay because of the children, and that was my primary reason, although there were other reasons.
Have you done any research at all on domestic violence? What about in-depth research on Battered Women's Syndrome? If not, here are several places to start:
http://www.dvrc-or.org/domestic/violence/resources/C61/
http://www.mamashealth.com/abuse/bwomensyndrome.asp
http://www.oregoncounseling.org/Handouts/DomesticViolenceWomen.htm
http://www.peoples-health.com/battered_womens_syndrome.htm
That will give you a lot of answers as to why women stay. Besides staying for the children, fear is a major factor. Did you know that:
The most dangerous time for a woman involved in a violent relationship is when she tries to leave?
Battered women increase their risk for murder when they try to escape. (New York City Department of Health)
Thirty-four percent of the women homicide victims over age 15 are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands or boyfriends. (National Women Abuse Prevention Project)
By the mid 1990's, at least fifteen hundred women each year were murder victimes from domestic violence.
Perhaps your mother would have reacted differently, and for that I applaud her. Perhaps it will prevent you from becoming a victim. For your sake, I hope you never have to face that type of situation or choice.
California, my parents were both dead, so I was not going to a family home. I wasn't even sure that any of my siblings would be willing to see me. As for having him arrested. I have not posted about the things that happened in California, therefore how can you assume that I didn't? I will not say now what happened, it is a post for another time. He has been arrested for domestic violence, convicted, etc. I have book of documentation of things that happened.
As for the real point of the blog, it is as I stated in the beginning, it is to help me to get over the things that happened to me. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am not sure how much you know about it, however one of the therapies is to explore the event(s) and try to stop the memories. Is it helping? I don't know, sometimes I have to stop posting, because it is so painful to remember. My night terrors, depression, flashbacks, anxiety attacks, memory loss, etc. still continues.
I don't know if you will read my response to your comment. I hope you will, and if you have any additional questions or comments, please post or email them to me.
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